Sadness and weirdness

So. July has been a very strange month. My plan for Summer was to; soak it in, make it last, enjoy, play, create, etc. Well, nothing ever goes as planned, and the things not in our plans are heartbreaking some times. We brought in Independence Day very subdued. No parties, we were invited to no parties either which is just fine by us! A little BBQ, but just family (meaning Hubby and I and kids) My Father was in the hospital in Delaware where he lives near Rehoboth Beach. He had been in the hospital since June with heart issues. He had a stint put into his artery for his heart but things had gone terribly wrong. He also had COPD, which did not help matters any. I was anxious to know how he was but the communication from his companion was not really good. The news had been that he had the procedure, was not doing well, but would be ok to...thought he was going to die...but he will be ok (on July 6)...to....OMG, they told me that he is going to die today! on July 7th. I was driving my daughter to Connecticut that day for a convention, then was trying to make a route to DE from CT online...but I have to be honest it was making me a wreck to even think about driving through NYC in the evening, and then through the DE Memorial Bridge traffic, and with no where to stay in DE....ahhhh! I am not a world traveler and terrible under pressure and stress. So, I came home since I was such a wreck and could not have packed even a pair of underwear on top of all of this because of my state of mind. My emotional baggage with this I will cover over the next few days in Gathering Feathers... but right now...just the facts....through the day I spoke to his companion several times. My Sister had called the hospital and a really nice nurse held the phone to his ear so she could tell him little bits of love and memories. I called later and his companion held the phone..but I hardly finished my thought to him and I felt quite hurt that she had taken the phone away from him so quickly. My husband was sitting next to me..felt my shock as he realized that my conversation was cut incredibly and unfairly short. I looked at him after hanging up and said..."Did I at least get to tell him that I loved him?" It was terrible actually. The next day I spoke to the companion in the morning, then heard nothing all day. I finally called at 6:00 or so that evening when she told me that he was dying right then and that she would call me. The call came at 7:45 that he had passed at 7:15. His death is as bizarre as the relationship we had over the last 30 years. He was the Father of my youth, and then became other people's Father. Even though I was 22 when he left, very much the adult....I realize that you always want your Daddy. Always. Alive, Dead, as long as you know he loved you it is what matters. For the now many years of my adulthood... I have felt shitty as heck because I have felt that he did not love me and it really hurts my psyche quite a bit. So... it is sort of, did I have a Daddy? I did. It is just too weird, and will remain so.
In a way...too bad for you get over it..right? In another way, so Darnit! THIS has been July~ proof to the statement, 'Man makes plans and God Laughs'. In a whirlwind week, we went to Delaware on Tuesday and were back home on Wednesday. Yesterday, I made 2 pieces of jewelry. Today I have a slamming headache. This post has nothing to do with anything, but everything to do with it all. Sigh. Can I go back to sleep now?